As a follow up to our burnout interview, Tanya Tarr and I exchanged some interesting thoughts about markers of wellbeing. What indicates that we are feeling well?
We have a pretty good sense when we are not feeling well – anxious, restless, depressed, stressed, overwhelmed – to name just a few – usually, we can tell, and if not, a quick Google search yields an abundance of information. On the other hand, it is challenging to determine markers of wellbeing without being too prescriptive. The last thing we need is another to-do or another item we feel we are falling short on.
Tanya suggested equanimity. Her definition is beautiful and inspiring: “The ability to maintain mental calmness, composure, and evenness of temper, and NOT REACT when confronted with emotional volatility or anger. It's not just maintaining calm but being able to not react to or absorb the negative effects of someone else's poor emotional regulation during a heated exchange.” Not absorbing anger (or other strong emotions) but learning to let it pass through can help build empathy. As Tanya explains, “I would walk away being curious as to what set them off, and reflective of my own behavior, but not emotionally collapsed.” This is mindfulness in action.
Resilience is another marker of wellbeing. We cannot avoid difficulty, pain, or suffering. Being able to bounce back from it and return to balance is a big factor in wellbeing.
As I researched this topic, I kept coming back to Dr. Daniel Siegel’s work. His metaphor of the river of life with rigidity on side and chaos on the other makes a lot of sense. Being able to sail this river, whether it is smooth or choppy, without becoming too rigid and controlling or too anxious and overwhelmed is the challenge. What I like about this is the flow inherent in the metaphor – we can always course correct if we find ourselves struggling against the river or too far on either side of it. As a matter of fact, course correction is key – it’s impossible to “perfectly” sail a river. Now that is a relief. Here is a great video where Dr. Sigel explains this concept further, as well as a good blog post about the topic. Want more? Dr. Siegel wrote this fantastic book about parenting and this one about making positive changes in your brain and life.